I’ve been spinning with so many thoughts… and I just don’t know how to put them to words. So this will be a random check-in, not just for those of you who read my words, but for me as well. Talking things out always helps me to process and fully realize and understand what’s happening around me and how I feel about it. So let’s begin.
I’m about halfway to my NaNoWriMo goal, without much time left, but the story is coming in reasonable chunks. Randomly. The scenes I’ve written, they aren’t entirely complete and they aren’t connected… I have a lot to do still to shape it all into a cohesive whole. I’m thinking that once I have finished with at least the 50k words that maybe I’ll print it all so I can read and sort my scenes, and find the best order for the book itself. Then I can work on writing transitions and connecting one to the next for those that don’t already fit. I am really struggling with looking at my progress and my accomplishments here as successful work rather than seeing it as what I haven’t done or how far behind I am. It’s been difficult for me and I’ve had a hard time not comparing my work to the work or perceived success of others.
I’ve been getting a lot done in the realm of short fiction, though I have been focusing primarily on my NaNoWriMo novel. For the last few months I’ve been submitting stories and poems to a variety of anthologies and publications, though I’ve mostly received ‘sorry, not this time’ responses I’ve mostly kept my head above the water, taking it in and moving through any disappointment rather than sinking into the urge to play rejection drinking games. I’ve written several stories that I’m really proud of, and overall I’m grateful to be in a position to be able to try. Though I’ve still got fingers crossed for some submissions I’ve not heard back from yet.
I had an idea for a themed short story collection that I think I might go for. I’ve already got a few (depending on some potentialities) that would fit in sweetly, and I look forward to November’s end so that I can get started on it in full.
I’ve lost momentum on my book of poetry. I still intend to get it together and out, but its been waylaid in the hustle of all-the-things. I’ve had some moments of uncertainty around it, worrying that either my work simply isn’t good enough or that it’s just a time waster – but I know this is not the case. I am publishing this one for me, and the overall intent and theme of this book is not at all meant to be perfect or high scale. It’s daily work, it’s Repetition, and it doesn’t need to be more.
I’ve been having a rough bout of anxiety. This last week especially. There’s no real source that I can pinpoint, but its made things a little rougher. I turned down a job opportunity – for all the right reasons, I have no doubt – and with the holidays rearing, I just don’t know where I stand, or where to put my feet to stand better. With all the changes and challenges lately, I suppose it’s not surprising, but it’s still really hard to work around.
With all that, of course, also come the depression and listlessness.
Which may be why I’ve been thinking a lot about mental health, in general and in my own life and experiences. I’ve been trying to decide how I want to approach therapy and treatment when I get health insurance (as well as trying to get health insurance) and I find that the whole messy span of it leaves me worried, insecure, and just lost. But it’s important to me, and I think it’ll be an important step for me, and so I am committed to the effort. No matter what shape the course may take.
The new year is closer than I can truly handle, and with it comes so much to do and be. I’m planning ahead for PantheaCon in February, and trying to understand how I can motivate and invigorate myself and my business! for the future. I just with I knew where to start.
What hurdles have you picked out so far this winter? Where are you struggling to move on? What successes have you wrangled? I’d love to hear from you.