Deviance in Change

Change moves in circles, cycling around and ambushing those in its sights.
Coming abrupt and hostile, sneaking in the night between the dust of walls and sighing along the silk of sheets to find us as we rest.

For me though, change has never been the harsh surprise that I’ve seen uproot the lives and plans of those around me. I’ve always felt that change was a constant presence in my life, all around me, all the time, never stilling. But I’ve come to see that that’s not quite the case. That this, like so much, is not nearly what it seems.

I realized in looking over my goals and plans, and in taking stock of all that I have accomplished – with my partner and alone – that the scope of how I view the world and the ways in which I mark success are maybe just not quite the same as others. That maybe these differences in perspective lead me to see change differently as well.

I see the course and the lines of the ever-changing world, because I am not stuck  – not focused so narrowly in what I think I am or what I think others think I should be. My gauges for progress are set on a long, slow burning track. Such that even the chaotic, immediate pulse of change, when it occurs, does not rock my foundation or shatter my world. Though it still often catches me by surprise, to be sure. It’s in the breaths after that surprise that I am able instead to simply let go of my grip on what I thought was and let my eyes glimmer over the trails of possibility, to see what led to what, and find the tracks of what I wish to be next.

Without the rigidity of immediate goals or inflexible plans, I can continue to be, even in a landscape that’s changed.

This is a trait for which I am forever grateful – having seen the nasty, explosive messes left in the wake of change that surrounds the uptight asses I’ve known over the years.

And today as I smoothed the mess of my hair, and applied my usual products to the skin of my face, I saw the stretch of all that I wanted and all I had to do to get it, and instead of reacting with lists and worry, I  was able to breathe and relax into the truth of my long line vision. It doesn’t need to be done now. All that does, is taken care of as we go. For the rest, I just need to keep breathing, and continue on. My work is good, my will is strong, and all that I need is blooming around me.

This year has been an epic boost to my spirit, and as I am passing the first weeks of my thirty-first year, I feel the unfolding  truths scatter like glitter on the tiles beneath my feet. I may be a hot mess, but I’ve got my shit together (enough) and I see where I am becoming. The rest – the old, the discarded, the abusive and wasted egos of those I’ve pulled away from – they can just skip right off. And they aren’t my problem anymore.

I’m moving and I’m finding my way as I go, and that way may be deviant, but I’ll ride it through the end.


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